Top Ten Unrevealed iPhone4 Features

1) More absorbent than Sham-Wow in tricky oil spill situations.

2) Able to leap off tall Chinese factories in a single bound.

3) Has the ability to motivate an entire community’s police force if it goes missing.

4) Gives you a hundred more reasons to use data and be gouged by your provider.

5) Farmville gives iPhone that touch of class that only Zuckerberg understands.

6) iPhone to blind today’s teens in a decade with eBook reader.

7) Google directions lawsuit pales in comparison to the 2011 class-action suit involving video chatters getting hit by runaway fruit cart.

8) Prosecuting attorney uses new iPhone gyroscope configuration to determine the amount of helicopter-like rotations the corpses made before landing on the Google Streetview van.

9) Sharp 720p video capabilities look especially sharp while enduring tailbone trauma on the shockless city bus.

10) Release date of June 24th is 130th anniversary of the first public performance of O Canada which really means nothing as no one in Canada knows when they’ll get the iPhone 4 yet.

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