Ten Things I Hate About Hallowe’en

from lovehatethings

Is it just me or does Hallowe’en seem more culturally devoid every year? I know. I get it. I’m kidless. And while baby goats shouldn’t be a consideration for one’s love or hate of Hallowe’en, I’m thinking back on my own childhood at memories of All Hallow’s Eves gone by and realizing that there really aren’t that many fond memories. I’m not saying I hated the event, in fact I remember, at the time, having a certain anticipatory delight in thinking up costumes and gathering free candy. I have come to grips with the fact that most of my early childhood will be shrouded in a glittery nostalgia with a soundtrack of AM pop rock. Quite simply, the costume/candy ritual was fun, but did not inspire near as many found remembrances as other holidays.

Let’s take a sobering look at Hallowe’en: pre-pubescent, confused children try to hide behind dollar store Transformer masks as they threaten homeowners with vigilante violence unless they fork over individually-wrapped sugar confections. Clearly then, Hallowe’en has come to serve several purposes:

1) attempt to feed disenfranchised children once a year and allow for governments to forgo actually food subsidies.
2) satisfy the powerful dentist lobby, where 4 out 5 dentists agree more candy is a good thing… no, bad thing… well, privately a good thing.
3) seeks to encourage indentured servitude of cane workers in Haiti and the Dominican Republic.
4) bows to the snack food lobbyists who don’t have tons of money, but keep the assistants of government officials knee deep in Junior Mints.
5) endorses gang swarming for the purposes of intimidating the middle class.
6) allows our vampire overlords to come out one night a year and feed on Blood Red Twizzlers.
7) makes lower class kids feel inadequate when they have to wear their Superman Underoos as a costume.
8 ) enables the rarely-seen-at-other holidays “razor-blade-in-the-apple” lunatics.
9) forces adults, who would never otherwise think of dressing up, participate in a drunken costume party ritual.
10) remind me, that despite all else, for two years I had the coolest stormtrooper costume in town.

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